You get out of your head and see the bigger picture. At night you thank Him and reflect on your day — things you did right, things you did wrong, amends you need to make. For most AA members, these 10 lessons become ingrained into a way of life. If you think you have a problem, try visiting different AA meetings to find one that clicks with you.
Each group has its own dynamics and demographics; it may take time to find the best fit. Also, seek to befriend the seasoned members: Also, know that there are step programs based on AA for every addiction under the sun Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Workaholics Anonymous, to name a few. Addiction recovery is not easy. Thanks for reading this article today. Thank you for your message. I have been in recovery a long time and in the rooms of AA. The program is a design for living and a way to change our perception on the world and life.
Yet, what I always know to be true is my truth and experience and my connection with that which is greater than me will lead me if I choose to be in the sunlight of the spirit. Your email address will not be published. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email.
It sure does ring true with my experience of an NA meeting — the one in the north of England that I posted about weeks ago. Also, you say the steps are most helpful for newcomers, not old-timers. I think JLK said something similar. That is great to hear! Thank you Persephone, for all the good points of your original post.
I have not been to AA or NA meetings, but to others, but I have seen lots of persons who say they have 10 or 20 years of AA or NA sobriety—as they undertake new 12 step programs for emerging life difficulties. You did not mention this common pattern. But they a really left to their own devices. Simply put, the basis for continued growth is not well specified in the first years of the program. Persephone, I hope you keep sharing your experiences and insights. To come back to your basic point: It is not enough to arrive at the point of NOT using, or NOT acting out; a person, to continue to develop him- or herself has to move ahead, undertaking positive things, be they new relationships, writing a book, teaching kids, playing music, watching birds, or exploring the world.
Nik—that is a very good point. Especially if you buy into the idea that you are diseased in your brain—for life! I have refused to watch these celebrity rehab shows for the most part, but watched and read a bit online just to know what they were all about, and was amazed at how quickly at least in the one show this Dr. Drew decided to diagnose his patients with at least other addictions—for which they needed more rehab, more programs, etc.
I am intrigued by this idea in 12 step programs that you mention that people must be made to stop being self-absorbed, yet the program seems to encourage complete self-absorption. Not everyone drank or used due to the grandiosity or egotism that Bill W. In my humble opinion. As you mention it is pretty easy to go into any bookstore and find someone, e. That issue of gender, at any rate was made by Jeanne Kirkpatrick, which led to her founding Women for Sobriety. Their approach seems plausible—I have no data. On the other hand, possibly there is no general truth that involves splitting addicts by gender.
Some different approaches must be working, at least for some. The broader point here, as you say, may well be to look at the individual case and history; how he or she got that way, and his or her needs. Then a program has to address, first, the self destroying behavior. Perhaps 12 step programs have a role here for some persons. Second, however is the issue of reorganizing oneself, finding new identity ies , and shaping personal goals.
I might add too, as have some others: Hence some step persons have engaged therapists as necessary adjuncts to their quest for health. What a great little essay, Nik. I really have nothing to add, and besides Persephone is more on the ball than I am right now, except to say: And send it to me?
That will get maximum exposure, and this sort of writing is worth it. One more little point: For some people at some stages of addiction, it can be a life-saver. But you go on to show that at many other stages it can do more harm than good, comprising not only an additional addiction but, in a sense, a final addiction — because the habits it endorses become so strongly cemented…. Hi Everybody Now this is a fascinating blog! I have watched with interest as arguements have developed, points have been made and positions taken. I also have a very deep need to understand being human and how addiction is probably central to it.
There are lots of things purported by 12 step programmes as absolute truths that really should be firmly placed in the land of fantasy, myth and metaphor. I work in drug treatment, mainly implementing and developing new services. Probably THE biggest obstacle to changing the culture is the inflexibility of the medical model ideology that seems to have permeated the whole system.
When dad arrived, he was someone I had worked with in a professional capacity many years ago. He is a single parent, in full time employment, and is well balanced. He thanked me and said I had been an important part of his recovery. Again over the weekend, a guy I sponsor, as part of the 12 step programme, telephoned me as he does most weekends his choice. He has been really struggling with his son for several months, trying to help him through some mental health issues he was experiencing. It has been a really painful process for him and his family and he has tried almost every avenue to get help.
In the phone call he told me that all he had was the unconditional love he had learned to be able to give by following the 12 step programme and, he says, receiving it from myself. Over the weekend his son had openned up to him and they had enjoyed a very long and very loving talk for the first time in ages. Would he have been able to learn these things without the 12 step programme? I am just very grateful to be in a time, place and emotional position to be able to help someone find the dignity they rightly deserve.
How delightful to hear from you. Not only do we agree on this for all kinds of reasons, but just running with your comment here, the DIVERSITY in pathways to recovery is such a common-sense antidote to the disease model itself. Your anecdotes drive this home. But they also drive home the lesson I learned when I was with you in England: To quote a reader, Richard Henry comment above: A that helped me at the time but the people in it. It may sound simplistic, but I finally think I get it.
Peter S, Thanks for sharing those stories. A clinic here in Ontario, its best known, boasts a medical-social model, 12 steppish, and has a bunch of evidence published that looks impressive till you start picking it over. To thine own self be true. I can see your perspective and in many ways can identify with it. Your recovery is yours. It is about getting well. Thank you for your honesty and being an excellent example of an addict seeking outside help beyond the 12 step structure. Heather, thank you very much. You hit on the real key point here, getting well!
Marc, I just read your first post, http: I would take that concept one step further, incorporating the idea of human resistance to change. For example, in the beginning I was not as experienced in my job, and it took a lot of studying and learning to become highly skilled. Today, my work is much easier because many of the functions are rote by now, and I get a kind of pleasure dopamine?
It no longer wants to learn anything else new. I think with addictive substances and behaviors, the neural pathways get entrenched much more quickly and deeply than with other pleasurable activities and are thus much harder to become unentrenched from. Once the new ones are entrenched, the brain will again find pleasure in the familiarity and sameness of the new pathways, just as it used to do with the addictive ones.
But humans are resistant to change, and the deep neural pathways that addiction creates are the most difficult to override. Does this make sense at all? This makes a great deal of sense to me. One of the amazing things about being human is that we can link a whole series of sub-goals together, each one leading to the next, with the final sub-goal leading to the pot of gold. And yet the synaptic footprints of that series of learned actions….
I think addiction is much like that. Not only do we learn the steps along the way e. I congratulate Persephone on her progress and insight. All I can offer in response to her story about 12 step programs is that it is not the whole truth because I have had a very different experience. I have been in 12 step for nearly 7 years and have never felt the program was one of stasis, or overly focused on the worst problems of my addiction, or that I had to do or be or think or say anything to be in the program.
The ONLY qualification for membership is a desire to stop our addictive behavior. It IS an abstinence based program. I simply seek out those who seem to have made some progress, and I pay the most attention to them. I am definitely not stuck. Maybe Persephone just drew the short straw — ending up in meetings packed with losers.
The healthy part of her rejected all that, as well it should have. But what a shame. I wish she had met some of the folks who helped me along when I got started and who I know today. The program could definitely use some of her skepticism, and her sobriety, and her conviction. What a lovely, articulate, wise and empathic comment. So that we can change our minds: Maybe Persephone did draw a short straw. The group I posted about a few posts ago certainly seemed more gentle than the experience she tells about. Fred, thank you for the comment.
I did, in many ways, draw the short straw, as you say. My stubbornness and certainly my desire to analyze everything was seen as a detriment. I had just detoxed at a facility for a week that was so horribly abusive that they have now lost government funding, but that did lead me to be very, very closed off in the residential program I was transferred to. The thing is, I realized the stasis once I revisited my old home group, as well as engaging with discussions with others on all sides of the recovery spectrum. I have met people who are absolutely wonderful in AA and NA, and respect their views on their programs.
However, there is nothing in the program itself that allows for my own viewpoint, namely that I do not accept that I should surrender my will to any power outside of myself in terms of my addiction. Everything in the steps themselves was tied inexorably to notions I had already personally rejected of constant atonement and belief in a higher power, of surrender. I do know a large number of atheists in 12 step programs, just btw, who have no issue with this. Persephone, I just read this carefully, after letting it lie fallow for awhile.
You express your concerns and perspectives VERY clearly, and I find myself agreeing with you at every step. The kind of sneering abuse you describe at that program…man, that is some nasty shit. But your final two points are also very well taken and they help clarify the big picture. Yes, it was very bad, but it was worse in other depts. The funny thing about the sneering and abuse, oddly, is that it was led by a patient mostly, then added to by employees. This patient also kept advocating a separate very long term hospital in a different region of the country.
Once I started researching rehabs and their parent companies, I discovered that that hospital and the long term facility were owned by the same corporation. Everything about this was dirty, long before they lost funding and started being investigated. Sorry, I just figured I would add that caveat about this place.
The big picture for me, well, I laid that out, and I thank everyone, including you, for listening. You are not blind or brainwashed and neither is Persephone. She—as I read her— had a different experience than you. OR, Her meetings, most likely, were in my view similar in composition to yours, but she had a different reaction to and experience of those people.
I believe Marc commented that a large, locally varied, organization is going to be experienced differently by different people.
8 Things You Shouldn't Say To People In Recovery | HuffPost
Let us stop trying to disqualify or invalidate the many valuable posts of various insightful posters. I certainly did not mean to disqualify or invalidate any post or poster. I simply wanted to offer that I have not experienced feeling held back or stuck in step. As you say above, Persephone had her experience and I had mine. My humble apologies for that. I really appreciate what she offered.
I admire her insight and found it valuable. These are useful lenses to have around. Thank you also for letting me know that something in my communication was ineffective. Fred, I think it was find to take an educated guess at what Persephone was experiencing and why. I mean, we do do that when immersed in these rather complex dialogues. And I see your approach as very inclusive and validating.
Next post, I want to make the point that all recovery is developmental. But what you also say seems true: Two or three variables, each taking on many possible values, all interacting. It would take an expert in calculus to figure out the possible permutations! I think this is your main point, and I agree. Kevin, my name here links to the very small blog I have for this subject.
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Hey Persephone, I am a guy 28 in recovery myself and was in AA for almost 4 years. I failed at any long term sobriety and would relapse over and over again. I went through the steps and followed ALL of their suggestions and still ended up using over and over again. I could not grasp the God concept, but I still gave it my all prayer, meditation, amends, 4th step, etc. They would say these are suggestions just like it is suggested to pack a parachute when you jump out of a plane- sounds like bullying to me.
I recently just left AA about a month ago and have 32 days clean on my own. I have tried to reconnect with people in AA but it is just so awkward talking to them.
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So Im left with not a single friend, feeling totally alone and hanging on for dear life hoping to God pun intended I will not prove them all right. I exercise, eat right, dance, sculpt, go to school and work part time.
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Im doing my best to stay active mentally and physically. I love finding thoughts like these; this is very similar to my experience as a thinking person in NA. From the beginning it has set off little alarms in my head. There is one in particular that I cannot reference right now that says almost exactly what the writer says above; that we must keep learning and developing, or something like that. I think my next blog entry will be about the huge disparity between what appears in the literature and quotes from the founders, and what is practiced in the rooms.
That is one reason that the fellowships cannot and must not be relied upon as addiction treatment; the practitioners are non-professional, at best.
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But the debate about AA just keeps on churning, evolving, I hope. I used to be very critical of it. Now I find that the diversity you speak of cuts both ways. Which is reason enough not to vilify the whole business. For me, 12 step recovery has not kept me in stasis. I did every kind of therapy under the sun, even studied a one year part time course in psychotherapy and psychoanalytic theory, and at the end of it I was having panic attacks and rage attacks that destroyed a lot in my life that was still standing just about after my using.
I have found the 12 steps to be a very powerful tool for my personal growth, as well as keeping me alive. When Bill W and Dr Bob were framing the steps, they went through different drafts. If fewer alcoholics went back out and died, they kept it in. One final thought, as I am perhaps sounding like someone who does little else but sit in church basements at meetings. Then I realised that the reason why old-timers, as I am now, go to meetings a few times a week and sponsor other addicts is this: Before the steps, I was still thinking about it all the time — just about NOT doing it, rather than doing it.
So why am I writing this? I am taking some time to tackle food issues and their connection to trauma, and this came up on a google search. Just so you know, we spent a few posts and many comments on perspectives on the step approach. Got a whole spectrum of opinions, as you also suggest.
But we deal with a lot of other issues, and this one is now on the back burner I hope. Also, with older posts, very few people will ever read your comment. Comments on recent posts will get much more attention. Which is too bad, because I think your perspective is valuable. I did read it all comments register on my email. I used to be pretty anti-AA. The personalized, individualized interpretation you recommend seems to be winning out these days.
Did you see the recent exchange published by the HAMS people? Anyway, so much going on. After attending some of the same meetings for about 2 years I noticed most of the people were not working or going to school or pursuing any meaningful long term goals other than attending meetings on a daily basis.
There was a very disempowering aspect to these meetings and a lot of God talk but not much action. Folks would sit around and tell war stories about their use, slurp endless cups of coffee and eat junk food and smoke like chimneys and call that sobriety. It became very depressing to be around and I would leave the meetings feeling deflated and sad and not know why. There must be a reason why both the supporters and detractors of AA are so passionate. I returned to find the same people speaking the same stuff, like they were addicted to 12 steps and what they say rather than the change of healing.
I feel any addiction is avoidance of true self and people who avoid themselves stick together wether through substsnce abuse or just grouping.. I found it helpful for six weeks to be in meetings as it gives a space to begin to have awareness yet very good to move on quite quickly!! As a woman who has been in and out of the rooms and now has 5 years clean I have read all of these comments and have enjoyed the discussion.
My two cents are different people need different things. I needed trauma therapy and to step away from 12 step meetings and to focus on healthy living. I also have attended Smart Recovery meetings that teach tools and does not ask for life long attendance and Lifering Secular Recovery meetings that use regular speech. I wish for all who need relief to get what they are searching for and appreciate the discussion. Well done on turning your life around. Your responses are a mixed bag. Some for and some against. I attend meetings and also work as a therapist.
I too have had reservations about the meetings or rather people in them. However at 43 years old after 21 years on the needle, and 11 years prior to injecting, taking drugs by another route. I found myself broken. I discovered A blueprint, a formula if you like and have come from being a thieving criminal, homeless dog end smoking junkie to someond not only employable but dependable. But personally I currently favour 12 step. I support therapy as it has helped me. Glad you wrote about doing things differently.
I have just completed a yoga teacher training in Ubud, Bali and have pursued various healing and spiritual experiences and guidance e. I have come to understand the low vibrational frequency of staying stuck through some 12 step groups — which reminded me of many people in my group — I see their inner beauty and light, however they are operating at unhealthy low level emotions — sending low frequencies out. This post is inspirational because yoga is my recovery process now after being clean for 4 years.
I trust my inner guidance. I am powerful and connected with the oneness of the universal energy. I intend to stay connected with my recovery fellowship, however my focus is on pursuing high frequency environments and connection.
High vibes for all! A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle is a good starting place to understand ego and how we manifest our essence in this world. I am so grateful and relieved to find articles like this. I became involved in 12 step 20 years ago. I thought it was the only way out from my addictive behavior since I did not seem to be able to do it on my own.
Finding a healthier way to deal with my problem at the time may have saved me 20 years of misery and a stifled life in repeated relapse, believing that I had an incurable, progressive illness that does not exist. The 20 Questions replayed over and over in my head, yes, yes, yes. Sorry for starting to get emotional.
I do understand that we all must find what is right for us, whatever works and provides a better life. I know also that people are successful combining 12 step with other programs that to me are direct opposites and diametrically opposed. I try not to be judgemental and I am learning. I am grateful to be where I am now and learning to live a more positive life. I am relieved that I am not alone in my negativity about powerlessness. This revolutionary way of looking at addiction is so important, it needs to be understood at every level of the public school curriculum as our children are currently pampered and protected to the point that anxiety and depression are skyrocketing by the time kids are in high school.
When are they encouraged to problem solve and think independently, to send themselves affirmative messages when social media is overtaking their common sense and holding up a dissatisfied mirror? Thank heaven for people like Dr. Lewis who understand the thought process that leads to addiction and the thought process that can lead you out. Your email address will not be published. It doesn't help to challenge the person in recovery. It's not necessary to try and poke holes in their admission that they have a problem. Accept it as fact. Going to a meeting with a friend or family member in recovery can serve as a deeply meaningful gesture of support -- but it can also be an eye-opening experience for the visitor.
Listening to people in recovery share their personal stories, struggles or victories at a meeting will help give you context and information about addiction. That was usually the point -- people with addiction are pros at hiding it. Saying that you had no idea makes it about you instead of focusing on them.
It requires strength and bravery to tell people about being an addict. This may feel a little uncomfortable, especially if you were unaware of the addiction, but these simple words can go a very long way. If they have trusted you enough to tell you about their recovery, take their word for it. People who can limit themselves to just one drink or just one beer don't usually end up needing to be sober.
Focus on what is positive about their shift in behavior and outlook. Many people in recovery struggle with feelings of shame and low self-esteem. Help remind them of the big picture: Recovery often is not about just the drinking or using. Someone who is trying to be sober is often trying to work out deeper emotional issues and is attempting to undue years of habitual behavior.