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Why don't you leave? What are you going to do now? Comfortably sitting and reading this, her saying that seems the height of stupidity. However , we can understand her words if we consider three points 1- She was adrenalized and emotional 2- The situation was outside her 'normal. In that light , through attitude and words alone she was trying to end the situation and ensure her friends and hers' safety.

How do you normally chase away someone you don't like? By showing attitude and challenging them.

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That approach is especially common among city dwellers; often to the point of reflex. Except, these were not 'normal' circumstances. Her default conflict behavior got her killed facing a mugger— because a mugging is not a conflict. It's a violent crime. Now in case you're thinking you're too smart to do that, I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts Ms DuFresne thought so too. Something you need to know. There's part of your brain that will be screaming at you to be the most provoking, insulting and hurtful you can be to the other person. This is especially true when you're afraid or angry.

Two of the most common emotions around violence. While that behavior often works in situations where physical violence is off the table, it provokes someone who is physically violent. As a therapist friend of mine is fond of saying "Humans are messy. That really applies to violence - - especially when it comes our own. Violence is very much a human behavior we're biological animals after all. A lot of what we're conditioned to believe about violence denies this, as well as our own 'wiring. We're here to help you get out of that trap.

At the same time, the very fact that you're human, is really going to help you understand and navigate these complexities. You do this kind of stuff all the time, we're just going to make you more aware of what you already know about people. Like I said, common sense. We'll tell you right now: Self-defense is much more than just physical.

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It's all that other stuff -- stuff you won't get from just physical training -- that we cover here. So like we said, even though the information is free, the price you're going to have to pay is skullsweat and time. If you know what you want to learn, go ahead and skip there. If not, keep reading.

We mentioned earlier there are a lot of Hollywood-fueled misconceptions about crime and violence out there. What Hollywood doesn't show -- and you may not consciously know -- is: Most violence occurs between people who know each other. When you think about it, this makes sense. Those around you are the ones you're most likely to come in conflict with. When was the last time you had an argument with a total stranger vs. Quite frankly, an outright crime is much easier to avoid.

In fact, if you know what to look for , crime is really easy to prevent. He's not coming after you personally. Since robbing you is just as easy as robbing someone else, the criminal doesn't care who he selects. The easier the target the better. It is with interpersonal violence that things become complex.

That's because criminal violence has a recognizable and external goal. Interpersonal violence is filled with all kinds of internal and subjective standards, goals and emotions. Usually what you are protecting, trying to achieve or fighting over in such conflicts, ISN'T physical. Such violence IS usually 'personal. That person is seeking physical revenge for the emotional hurt you caused him or her.

With this in mind, realize: What you say and do has a HUGE effect on whether or not you are physically assaulted. You do have power and control over whether or not you are attacked. Teaching you how to exercise this power is what this site is mostly about. Where things get really complicated is that there is NO ONE simplistic strategy that you can use in every situation. What works to resolve a conflict with one person will provoke another into attacking. You may think what you're doing will scare him away, but often you're actually pouring gasoline onto the fire.

Knowing when to do what and when NOT to do that are another reason why things get complicated. Personal safety is less about punching and kicking and more about people skills. Large sections of this site are dedicated to looking at the nature of conflict, including the difference between assertiveness and aggression , how we behave under stress , the psychology of conflict, why violence occurs and how not to provoke a physical assault.

These are all elements that will cause a conflict to escalate to physical violence.

What you say and do has a major influence on finding yourself involved in violence. This fact does not magically disappear because you are upset, angry or arguing. When you are emotionally caught up in a conflict, it is easy to not only provoke an attack from someone else, but it is appalling easy for you initiate the physical violence. As unbelievable as it may sound, you can do this without even realizing you did it until the person counter attacks.

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Even easier is to say something so hurtful and insulting that the person flies into a rage and attacks. Over 2, years ago Horace wrote "Anger is a short madness insanity. But that doesn't mean you aren't doing it. Realize this is a two-way street, the same thing can be happening with the person you are in conflict with. But in fact, violent people are violent because they lack the self-control NOT to act on these impulses. This lack can be circumstantial, physiological, psychological or simply because the person chooses to behave this way. While anyone can be pushed too far, some people believe violence is a fast and easy way to get what they want.

Because so much violence arises from conflict, it seriously complicates the subject of self-defense. If you participated in the creation, escalation and mutual physicality of the situation, that really isn't self-defense. Most people call it fighting. In case you didn't know it, while self-defense is legal, fighting isn't.

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The truth is, most the time the weren't defending themselves , they were actually fighting. But when you are emotional , angry or scared , everything you do seems like self-defense. That big bad person was attacking you! While that is your perception , that isn't necessarily what was happening. Nor is is necessarily what you were doing. Your brain under extreme emotion and stress sees things differently than when you are calm. And those perceptions can lead you to chasing someone down the street slashing them with a knife thinking what you are doing is self-defense.

And in more ways than one.

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It's also what causes a situation to go from verbal violence to physical violence. This is also why we give a layman's explanation of what self-defense is and when what you're doing stops being self-defense. Believe it or not, personal safety is less about what you do than it is about what you don't do -- especially in certain situations. The ' why you don't do that' is what makes both the subject of violence -- and this site -- so big and complex. Once you understand 'why certain behaviors will lead to violence' you greatly lessen your chances of unwittingly doing them.

Not only will this keep you from being arrested for fighting or assault, but it greatly reduces your chances of being raped, assaulted, beaten or even killed. There are no simple answers when it comes to interpersonal violence. That is because YOU are a major factor in whether it happens or not.

Your choices, your behaviors and what you say, have major influence on whether or not physical violence occurs. So you DO have control over whether violence happens to you -- or not. But it starts with you controlling your emotions, instead of your emotions controlling you. The reason this is important is that the person who resorts to physical violence the fastest is almost always being driven there by HIS out of control emotions.

If you aren't willing to go faster and further down that road than he is, then you will lose that race. Oh, by the way. This information will also go miles for improving the quality of your life, lessening conflict in your life and help you get along with other people.

This site isn't just about self-defense , it's also about developing every day people skills to make your life easier. New Pages This site is huge and it keeps changing. The newest page is Normal, Abnormal, Dangerous. This is the often ignored foundation for developing 'situational awareness. Following that Home Invasion.

Whether it's a robbery, break in rapist, serial killer or you surprised a burglar, strangers in your home are not good. It's a look at how an entitled mindset create a nightmare attitude well known to violence professionals, but at the same time very dangerous to average people, especially teens and young adults. Drunk, self-righteous, reckless and an eyeblink away from fury those in the DSOM cause all kinds of trouble. It's a fact of life. However, often small solvable problems are compounded into life altering crisis's by stacking more and more bad decisions.

Decisions made because the teen is afraid of you getting angry. As I write this, I am sitting a quarter mile away from where a teenage girl and her stalled car were hit by a train. She lived, but she isn't just paraplegic, she's nearly a Steven Hawkings level of crippled.

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He tells her to just drop some money out the window and not get out. My student manages to deescalate, they pay the guy a sum that allows him to buy several goats and they end up being invited to eat the goat with the other villagers. No milk, no income.

No income, him dead. So him shooting them would only be revenge for killing his only shot at an income. Which makes total sense from his point of view and in that context. For a young Western woman, that sounds insane. When somebody with tons of experience in these countries tells you to not get out and floor it, common sense and self-defense in this case dictates you do as he says….

Somebody I care about works in a big building in a big city that is owned by her boss. Nobody else is in the building, ever. I was on my way to see her when she calls: She slammed the door and locked herself in, but she was panicking. I told her to call the cops and hurried over. She was afraid to be left alone and insisted on coming with us. I had to grab her and pull her behind us, telling her to stand back….

I had a difficult talk with her afterwards. What could go wrong? I do the best I can and the night progresses well, despite the seven or eight-strong crew of thugs I know is there and had let know I had seen them. Inevitably, something happens and I have to throw a guy out. This sets the hyenas off and they start yipping and try to engage me.

I tell him to follow me now.

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We make it back inside OK and I explain to him he would have been the first guy bleeding on the ground I might have raised my voice as I said that. He seemed to understand, finally. All these stories and the one with the bear have a common denominator: They engaged in dangerous behavior to themselves and others not necessarily out of malice, but out of ignorance.

Violence, both human and animal, was an unknown factor in their lives. Self-defense is for a large part common sense; a body of knowledge of how the world works and how to interpret situations. It looks like a lot of information is getting lost because our Western world has become safer.